February 26, 2007, 1:35 am : I could really use some Gleemonex (another obscure reference).

Filed Under: Uncategorized
Discussion: Comments [1]

So the other day a friend of mine said to me “man, you’re doing really well with all of this”. Apparently I’m better at feigning happiness than I thought. I really don’t want to be that guy in the crowd who bums everyone out, a Debbie Downer if you will. So I try to stay on the up and up while I’m out and about. I think that makes my time alone more difficult which is why I’m again writing a blog post. Well, that’s the main reason. After the response I got to my last post that I didn’t even expect anyone to read I almost feel obligated to keep this thing going. It’s really cool that so many people out there actually care about me enough to read this stuff. So, if I haven’t told you in person, thanks for caring.

I’m not happy. Not at all. Not even a tiny fraction happier than I was a few weeks ago but I’m going to try to write a somewhat more uplifting post this time around. So, without further adu, this is my blog about the good things that have happened to me since that faithful day five weeks ago.

The best thing that’s happened to me through all of this, really the only thing that I wouldn’t be willing to trade to get my life back to how it was a month ago, is that I’m now good friends with my ex-girlfriend Lindsay again. We were together for quite a while, she left me, I let our friendship fall by the wayside. We’d e-mail back and forth every now and then but that’s about it. A while ago I came to the conclusion that I really missed her, as a friend, and that I wanted to contact her and say “hey, we should be friends again” but I couldn’t do that because I didn’t want to upset Kelsey. Even though I was 100% over Lindsay as a girlfriend, I didn’t want Kelsey to feel threatened. So, now that I no longer had that to worry about that I reached out to Lindsay and we’ve been able to talk several times and even hang out so that’s just awesome. It’s really great to have her back in my life as a friend because, well, she’s an awesome girl. I wish it didn’t take something like my life seeming to fall apart for me to decide to contact her again.

What else, what else. Well, I’ve had a lot more time to myself which I’m sure many people would regard as a good thing. Personally I haven’t been enjoying it very much but it does have a few perks. I’ve been able to read more than usual. I’ve been reading the graphic novel Watchmen by Alan Moore and it’s just amazing. I’ve been able to watch a bunch of movies that I probably never would have got around to watching, since they were things Kelsey didn’t want to see and I would rarely watch movies alone.

I’ve been able to really get back into music, which is nice. I used to listen to a ton of music while I was driving or working but I was sort of subconsciously phasing it out in favor of audio books and TV. Those things don’t block out that voice in my head yelling the depressing thoughts nearly as well as blasting music as loud as I can and, in the car, singing loudly and obnoxiously. I guess my bad singing voice overpowers that stupid voice in my head. I even splurged on a small stack of new CDs, something I haven’t done in quite a while. I probably shouldn’t have done that but I felt it was something I needed to do.

My good friends (and band on my record label) The Return have played a lot of shows since I’ve been home and I haven’t missed one. Being around those guys is always good for cheering me up. In addition to that they’ve been playing a lot of songs from their upcoming album and it’s just so amazing that it cheers me up and leaves me happy for quite a while after. I wish they’d finish up recording so I could put that CD in whenever I start to feel down.

I’ve also been going out with other friends much more than I ever did before. I never really realized how many great friends I have. I always sort of neglected all but my closest friends since I had Kelsey. I didn’t see the point in going out with a bunch of people who, while I love them, don’t get me nearly as much as she did. Now that I don’t have her, I’ve given them all a chance and I’ve come to realize that they all get me more than I thought and we have a lot more in common than I’d ever imagined.

In addition to that I’ve been playing hockey as much as possible and I actually feel like I’ve been playing a lot better than I have in years. I’m not nearly back to my “prime” but I definitely feel more confident than I have in a while and that’s nice. I guess when you play three to four times a week you’re bound to improve a bit.

I guess the last good thing I can think of about this is a possible future endeavor. I’ve always wanted to go on tour with a band. I have so many friends in bands and they always seem to have such a great time on tour and I had just accepted that that is something I’d never get to experience. Well, perhaps now I will be able to. I have two bands on my label heading out on tour this summer and I’m really hope to tag along with one of them. Sell their merch, meet new people, see new places. Hopefully that works out for me, who know though.

There’s my happy blog, I hope you all enjoyed it. I miss Kelsey so much and think about her so often it literally hurts. I hate that we can’t even talk anymore and I really worry about her since I really don’t know how she’s doing at all. I’ve been having the hardest time of my life these past weeks. I’ve never been so consistently down in my life, but it is nice to look back and see that not everything sucks.

I may blog again in the not too distant future since I really didn’t get anything out this time around. I just didn’t want to write three depressing posts in a row.

And in a perfect bit of irony my ITune’s just hit the song “Everything Reminds Me of Her” by Elliott Smith. Funny stuff.

February 12, 2007, 4:04 pm : Three weeks. Cold Turkey.

Filed Under: Uncategorized
Discussion: Comments [2]

I didn’t think I’d be blogging again for a long time but since I don’t think anyone really wants to talk to me about this sort of thing I need to get it out somehow. If anyone really does want to sit down and talk to me about this let me know. I see how most everyone avoids the subject, and that’s cool. I don’t want to be the one bumming everyone out.

I really thought this was going to be my year. I was so close to having everything I wanted and then it all came crashing down.

At this point I really feel like I’m in hell. It’s not a very fun experience. I’ve never felt so deep down sad and completely empty as I have this past few weeks. Getting dumped sucks, that really goes without saying, but that’s not the real root of my problem. I miss her, more than I’ve ever missed anything, but that’s not really the problem either. My problem stems from one thing; lack of communication. I haven’t seen her in three weeks but in addition to that I haven’t really talked to her since then either. I get attached to people; I was extremely attached to her. I was with her nearly every day for years, and the concept of not talking on the phone with her is completely foreign. But that’s how she wants it. So the only thing I ever hear from her is the occasional e-mail regarding what mail I received at the apartment in San Francisco or something. All business. Rarely even a “hi” in those letters, much less a “I hope you’re doing alight”. It’s as if she went from loving me deeply to not caring if I live or die in the span of a week or two. On top of that, it feels like she’s trying to wipe out all evidence of my existence from her life. As if I was a bad influence on her and she needs to be cleansed of me. I mean, I’m not even in her top friends on MySpace anymore! That’s the pettiest thing possible but for some reason it cut like a knife when I saw that.

Part of me understands what’s going on. The slightly more rational part of me thinks that this is all a defense mechanism, that not having any reminders of me makes this all easier on her. That’s probably what it is, and I understand that. In fact I’m making a rather feeble attempt to do the same thing. But even though part of me understands that that probably is the case I can’t help but think that she really just doesn’t care about me one bit any more. That hurts. A lot.

What’s worse is how genuinely worried about her that I am. She’s never been a very good “alone” person and now she’s alone in San Francisco without a whole lot of friends or even a car and yet she won’t even talk to me so I know how she’s really doing. I worry about her so much. I hope everything is okay. Her job is supposed to be ending at the end of February and I don’t even know what she’s planning to do after that. Is she getting a new apartment and job in San Francisco? Did her Lucasfilm job get extended or did she find another one there? Is she coming back here to her parents? Is she going to England for a few months to live with her aunt? I don’t know at all.

Things here haven’t been bad, really. I’ve come to realize that I have a ton of amazing friends who really care about me. It’s a nice feeling. I’ve been playing a lot of hockey, going out to shows and whatever else with friends, all the sort of things that I would usually enjoy. Unfortunately I can’t seem to really enjoy anything anymore. Not fully. I feel like every single thing I’ve done and continue to do since I got home is nothing more than a distraction from the things that are going on in my head. Nothing I do actually makes me happy anymore. Just takes my mind off things for a short while. Since she was such a huge part of my life most everything I do ends up reminding me of her anyway.

When I’m playing hockey I look up into the empty stands where she would usually be. I almost got hurt in a game the other day and instead of being relieved that I was okay or even just moving on with the game all I could think was “I wonder if she’d even care that I was in the hospital”. At shows I feel so alone even though I’m surrounded by friends there. I haven’t been to a show without her by my side in years and it’s just not the same. Even Star Wars doesn’t bring me the joy it used to. It just reminds me of her since she became so involved with that aspect of my life during our time together. They just announced something Star Wars related that I’ve known about for months because of her and for some reason seeing that announcement just made me feel worse. I’m not even sure if I want to go to Star Wars Celebration or Comic-Con anymore if it’s just all going to be a horrible reminder of life without her. It’s all stupid, I know it is, but that’s what my brain is saying. Over and over and over.

I really do appreciate everything that everyone has done for me and said to me. Without all my friends I’d be a complete miserable wreck. A thousand times worse than I am now. But still. I don’t know what to do anymore. This all just paralyzes me. I get one of her “you got blah blah blah in the mail, I’ll send it to you tomorrow” e-mails and it just destroys my whole day. I need to be working, I have several project deadlines coming up but I can’t even move. All I can do is sit and type all the stupid stuff that’s going through my head and listen to music that used to cheer me up but now has no effect.

I’m still not mad at her. Which is almost a shame since that would probably make this easier. I’m sure she’s not doing all of this to upset me. She probably doesn’t even realize how miserable I am right now. I’ve always been super-stable-boring-nothing-can-phase-me Matt. Not anymore. I’m sure she’s just doing all of this to make things easier on her. I hope it’s working. I hope she’s on her way to being happy. She deserves it, she’s been through a lot and come a long way.

So what do I do now? I want her to be happy and if not talking to me makes her happy then I’m not going to contact her. Just like I haven’t since all this came about. I must be the easiest person in the world to dump; I go down without any fight at all because I care so much about her being happy that I just let myself be miserable. Where does that leave me? Another hockey game I don’t enjoy, another rock show that makes things worse and surrounded by small reminders of what I had.

I need some clarity.

I’m not going to post about this blog anywhere, so if you just happened to be checking my blog and read this you’re probably the only one. I needed to get it out, it’s not important if anyone takes it in.