March 1, 2007, 2:40 am : Closure is a bitch. I need a hug.

Well, everyone was right. Good old trusting Matt was wrong. I suppose I should have known better but when you love someone you trust them, that’s just how it works. Now I’m going to have trouble trusting anyone. I usually try to keep my blogs somewhat vague so it doesn’t hurt people’s feelings but screw that. For once my feelings are all I care about.

Matty got screwed. Big time. As it turns out, the love of my life did, in fact, leave me for another guy. Not only that but apparently she moved to Massachusetts for this dude.

I’ll start at the beginning. At the end of December Kelsey and I were helping out with the Star Wars Spectacular in the Rose Parade. If you don’t know what I’m talking about scroll down a few posts. Anyway, while there we were surrounded by very cool Star Wars enthusiasts called the 501st legion, a group of people who dress in professional quality Stormtrooper and other Star Wars costumes and do events. We met many cool guys during our time there and it was a great time. Kelsey and I were together pretty much the whole time. During one of the dinners with the 501st we met a guy named John who seemed very cool. We talked to him quite a while; I really genuinely liked this dude. Kelsey and I went home, everything seemed fine. I guess not.

While we were home throughout January I knew Kelsey was talking to John online sometimes, I didn’t think anything of it. I was really secure with our relationship; I thought we were destined to get married. Why should I feel threatened anyway, Kelsey loved me, not to mention the fact that John is 33 and lives in Massachusetts and Kelsey is 22 and lives in California (with me, no less). In addition to that John had a major crush on someone else that Kelsey and I knew.

So, time passes by, things seem pretty much fine in Kelsey-and-Matt-land. Kelsey’s been a little more depressed and slightly more distant but I don’t really think anything of it. That’s not a terribly strange thing for her anyway. Then the big night happens, I get dumped because she “wants to find herself” and she’s “not happy” and she feels like she’s “living my life” (for more info read my, now incredibly naïve, post a couple down). I love this girl more than anything so I accept that she’s leaving me for those reasons. I assume we’ll still stay friends and maybe even get back together in the future (although I never really had high hopes about that part). Either way, I think that Kelsey and I will always be friends.

As the weeks roll by Kelsey and I don’t really talk, completely by her choice, I sit around moping and worrying about her. Poor little Kelsey sitting in our apartment in San Francisco, all alone without a car or many friends, 30 days left on the apartment, slightly less than that left on her temp job. What’s she doing now? Where’s she going to go at the end of the month? These were the questions that would keep me up at night. Little did I know that these things were apparently all planned out, because she didn’t leave me to “find herself” she left me for another guy. A 33 year old guy from Massachusetts.

So now, according to her MySpace page, which I plan to never visit again, she’s now living in cold Massachusetts with good old John. All my love, all my caring, and nearly 4 years together got tossed away for a guy she met once for a couple days in December. That makes me feel horrible, deep down just awful. But you know what? This wasn’t my fault. I was a good boyfriend, a great boyfriend. I would have done anything for that girl (move to San Francisco for instance). I didn’t deserve this. This isn’t how things were supposed to go down. We were a great couple and we loved each other more than any other couple I’ve ever known. But, if it had to go down like this, I think I at least deserved the truth. Obviously I wouldn’t have been a very happy camper if she told me straight up that she’s leaving me for John and moving to another state but at least I would have had some closure. I wouldn’t have sat around for a month in a complete pit of despair worrying about the girl that I loved. At least I would have known she was okay and, probably more importantly, I wouldn’t have really cared, not nearly as much at least. That would have allowed me to be depressed for myself rather than worried about her and probably, by now, would have almost gotten over it. Or at least come to accept it all. Instead I have to find out on MySpace by seeing a picture of her hugging him staring at me from my top 8. Not cool.

So, I guess I’m done. I hope I don’t sound terribly bitter in this post but I am. And I think I have every right to be. It’s going to be a while before I get over all of this. Even longer before I can get back to my normal, trusting self, if I can ever get back to that again. Maybe it’s better that I don’t.

My Mom was right. She called this. All of this. Right down to the detail of it “being a guy she met at the Rose Parade thing”. Boy do I feel like a retard for defending Kelsey for weeks on end about this. Not just to my mom either, other people said that she left me for someone else but I always defended her. “She wouldn’t do that to me, she really does just want to find happiness”. Shows what I know.

This wasn’t meant to be some sort of slam on Kelsey or anything, this is just what happened and I felt that it needed to be told because if I held this all in I’d go crazy. Obviously we have a lot of mutual friends and I wouldn’t hold it against any of you if you remained friends with her, it has nothing to do with any of you. In fact, I wouldn’t be opposed to being her friend again some time in the future. I’m sure I’ll always love her. Which, in itself, sucks.

That’s it. For real this time. I have a lot of trying to work but accomplishing nothing to do, then probably some sitting in bed not sleeping.

Again, thanks to my friends. I probably need you even more now than before. Goodbye February. March, you better not suck as much as your predecessor.

I’m crushed.